Chunk here, back by popular demand. The girl said there were lots of requests for my take on the day in the life post, so here it is – my full report on the riveting events of my Saturday. Can’t keep my fans waiting!
8:00 AM Someone keeps lifting up the covers and saying “I see you…” It’s the girl – she always wakes up too early on the weekend. Girl, I bury myself at the foot of the bed for a reason and it’s not because I know you love the view of my butthole.
8:04 AM Ugh, now she’s telling me to “Come here.” Seriously? We are sharing a bed – I cannot be any more “here” than I already am. Fine, fine, I army crawl my way up to where the pillows are to appease her. She hugs me too tight. I look to the boy for help but he just squeezes me from the other side. I make the wheezing noise so they back off.
8:09 AM The girl is playing with my lips. Serenity now.
8:20 AM The boy gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom. Once he’s done, the girl goes in. I don’t know why they don’t just go in together. They never seem to mind when I come in there with them and whenever I have to go to the bathroom, it’s a group event. But whatever – finally, more space for me in this big dog bed. You know, there is a whole ‘nother room in this house with a whole ‘nother bed – I don’t know why they insist on sleeping in my bed.
8:47 AM They’re calling for me to wake up. Is it not Saturday?!? I take a good stretch and mosey over to the living room. Oh hold up, is she holding car keys?!? Are we going for a ride?!? No, she says I can’t come to art class because I don’t have opposable thumbs. Well, poo. The boy leaves the door open so I can watch the girl leave through the storm door. He thinks I’m saying goodbye to her, but I’m really looking for that damn cat. I know he’s out there somewhere and it pisses me off.
8:50 AM The boy lays on the couch to play video games. At last, someone who understands that the weekend is for lying down. I’ve been awake for far too long already.
10:15 AM The girl is back and announces that the diner invited us over for breakfast. The diner is also my daycare where my Lolo and Lola live. I let the girl put on my red collar outfit and we walk across the street.
10:16 AM Ahh, my second home. I sniff Lola good morning, but I’m really looking for Lolo, my treat machine. Yup, there he is, in the kitchen, right where I left him. I’m sitting. Where’s my treat. Lolo grabs the bag of yummies…ok, good, good…I’m sitting, see? When I sit, that means you give me a treat, just like I taught you. YES! GOOD BOY! Lolo digs for another treat out of the bag but the boy and girl tell him one is enough. WHAT?!? You two are going to ruin all the training I did with Lolo. He’s never going to learn it if we don’t practice regularly.
10:25 AM Everyone is eating but me. Rude. I lie down under the table in case anything falls my way, but then the girl starts touching me with her bare feet. Disgusting. I’m moving to the couch. Time for nap #2.
11:30 AM I take the boy and girl for a walk on the Greenway. I come here everyday with Lolo and Lola so they can do their walking and I can do my pooping. I’m trying to show the boy and girl all my favorite trees to piss on, but they keep telling me no. Lolo and Lola let me pee wherever I want, but the boy and girl are such Nazis about it. Finally they let me pee on a tree. Better get it all out now, who knows when they’ll let me stop again.
11:37 AM I drop a deuce. They’re so excited about it. Idiots. The girl asks the boy if it’s a two-hander and he says, “Almost.”
12:04 PM Back home. The Greenway tired me out. Time for nap #3.
1:15 PM The boy and girl are eating. Again. They are not sharing with me. Again. I try hypnotizing them. Look into my eyes…you want to give me a piece of that chicken…you are feeling the power of my doe-eyed stare…feed me…feed me. Hah, the girl caves! Chunk – 1, Girl – 0.
2:00 PM The boy is filling my red Kong with peanut butter. This means they are leaving me, oh no! But oh yes! I’m so torn on how I feel about all of this. On the one hand, I want to go wherever they are going, but on the other hand…peanut butter. Peanut butter. Peanut butter. PEANUT BUTTERRRRR. I’m drooling.
2:05 PM They open all the blinds before they leave because one time I ate them. It wasn’t my fault, the cat was outside and I was just very politely telling him to GET THE FUCK OFF MY GRASS.
2:06 PM They always draw out the farewell process, “Bye, be good, bye, we’ll be back in a bit, bye, we’ll buy you a toy from Home Goods, bye Chunk, bye, bye, byeeee…” Dude, just give me the peanut butter. FINALLY, he drops the Kong. God that took forever.
2:10 PM I’m out of peanut butter and they’re not back yet. I guess I’ll just rearrange the pillows on the couch and settle in for nap #4.
4:11 PM The boy and girl are back! Ooh, they have lots of bags…let’s see, what’s in here? Soap. No, that’s not mine. Ooh, chicken! The girl tells me no. What? I was just looking… More bags, more bags…where *is* it?! He said he was going to get me one…he wouldn’t lie to me… A-HA! I FOUND IT! IT’S A DUCKY AND IT’S MIIIIIIINE!!!
4:15 PM Come on Ducky, let me show you the hallway. Now let’s go back to the living room. Now let’s do the hallway again. Did you get to see everything? Let me shake you around so you get the full 360 degree view.
4:20 PM The boy wants to play with my new toy. Go ahead, throw it, we both know you’re gona throw it. Oh-oh, you didn’t fake me that time. I know it’s behind your back. C’mon, c’mon, throwwww itttttt. Oh yes! Down the hall way – you’re so predictable! Heeyyy, wait a minute. Ok…I’ll give you that one, smartass. Now throw it for real before I bite your nose.
4:23 PM He finally threw it and after all that hokey pokey, I’m not giving it back to him. Here Ducky, let’s lay on the rug so I can rip out your insides.
4:28 PM Squeaker gone, stuffing out. The girl is grumbling and picking up all of Ducky’s insides. Hey where are you going with that? I worked really hard for five minutes to get it all out. The boy just took away Ducky’s lifeless body and is trying to give me Squirrel instead. Get that Squirrel out of my face. Where did you put Ducky? Oh here he is, at the bottom of my toy basket. Let me just get all the other toys out of the way so I can reach him…
4:45 PM Ooh, the girl is playing the clean up game with me. I love this game. She puts a toy in the basket then I take it back out. She usually wins, but not without a valiant effort on my part.
5:00 PM THE BOY IS HOLDING THE LEASH! OMG WE ARE GOING FOR A WALK! HURRY UP, HURRY UP! The boy says to stop wiggling around so he can fasten the leash, but I can’t help it, my tail has a mind of its own.
5:30 PM We are back from our walk. I pooped, they cheered. They’re so easily amused.
6:05 PM The girl is in the kitchen making dinner and it smells heavenly. I’m sitting, but she’s not as well-trained as Lolo is with the treats so I get nothing. Instead, she is singing my name over and over to the tune of “Cool for the Summer” by Demi Lovato. It’s pretty catchy.
7:00 PM The boy makes my dinner while the girl sets the table. I’m hoping for some of whatever the girl is cooking, but I know not to hold my breath. Sure enough, same old, same old – kibble with canned lamb stew. It’s pretty good, but a little variety would be nice.
8:13 PM After cleaning up in the kitchen, the boy watches TV while the girl plays with her colors at the table. The boy says she should paint me but she says no, it would be too hard. I get it – it’s tough to capture perfection on paper.
10:00 PM I wake up because someone is pushing me. The girl, who else. She’s done with her colors and is now trying to squeeze into my spot on the couch. I weigh 72 lbs. – good luck trying to move me.
10:03 PM I am somehow laying on top of the girl’s knees. She thinks she’s won, but patience…I can lay like this for a loooooong time.
10:18 PM The girl finally surrenders – she is hot and her legs are asleep. She moves to the other side of the couch. Victory is mine.
12:06 AM The boy and girl wake me up to say it’s time for bed. Uh, what do you think I’ve been doing all this time?? I follow them to the bedroom and climb into bed between them. There will be no hanky panky on my watch.
12:08 AM I put my head on the boy’s chest and the girl wraps her arm around my belly. I love you weirdos. Goodnight.
I gotta say, I live the good life. Until next time, this is Chunkster, signing off.